{Guest Post} Deus fortis est.

04 November 2011

Hello, I'm Gwen. Dear Lizzy asked me to guest-post on her blog, and I am gleefully obliging.

If any of you have been reading my blog, you'll have noticed that I've been doing a few depressing posts. In truth, my life has been extremely difficult of late. The hardest thing is, it's not about material wants. If I wasn't getting the job I wanted, or the computer I wanted, or the dress I wanted, it would be easier. But I haven't been getting the peace I want.

My family has been having so many struggles. I can't share them, but I can say that the past few months have been without question the hardest I've ever experienced.

At first, it was nearly impossible to cope. Several times, I contemplated leaving, going off to live with my godmother, my aunt, someone else, where there wasn't conflict and hurt wherever I turned. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I realized that there were lots of people who were worse off than I was. I tried to tell myself to look on the bright side, but the brightness in my life seemed to be finding a way to hide.

So, I tried not caring. I tried to be completely indifferent, to be made of stone. To me, it seemed that being cold and distant was preferable to crying myself to sleep at night. But that just made me hurt more, and I hurt other people because of that. 

I know what you are all thinking. Did I pray? Did I offer my pain up to God?
For the longest time, the answer was no. I was so angry and bitter, and I blamed God for my hurt. If he really loved me that much, if he really cared, why didn't he make it all stop? I didn't want to have to lean on anyone. I felt like if I did, I'd be showing weakness. My invincible shield would be cracked. I did pray a few times, but I felt like no one was listening. Instead of drying to climb out of the pit I was in, I deliberately buried myself deeper.

This went on for what felt like a lifetime. I was getting fed up, my emotions were shot, and I felt like I couldn't go on. It was at this point that I decided to actually pray. I was tired of being angry, I was tired of hurting, and I understood that I needed God. I needed his love and his strength. I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on, and I knew that God would be there for me. He wouldn't hurt me, he wouldn't turn me down. So I did. At Mass, I offered up my sorrow for the healing of my family. I prayed an uncountable amount of rosaries.

At first, I despaired, because things weren't changing. Things were still tense, hurtful and angry. But I didn't give up. And after a while, I did notice some changes, they just weren't the ones I was looking for. I wasn't despairing anymore.When something blew up, I'd take a breath and either shut it out or just deal with it. I noticed that my siblings and I were starting to lean on each other for support. We've grown closer, which is wonderful.

So even though not much has changed, I've found that because of God, I can cope. I'm much happier. When something goes wrong, I brush it off, pick up the pieces and do my best to move on.  There is a reason for everything, and while I can't see all of the big picture, I can see a little glimpse of it. God is teaching me that if I look to him, I can do anything. He loves me and is there for me, even when I don't want to see it.

God gives me strength. God is strength. Believe in him, because he believes in you.

Gwen is a teenage daughter of Christ trying to find her way in the world. She has six younger siblings, enjoys cooking, baking, reading, dressing up and watching period dramas. She is a lover of all things Regency and Victorian, and spends a large portion of time gazing at old costumes. One day she will make one for herself, if she can figure out her sewing machine. She plays piano every now and then, although hasn't had much time for it of late. To get to know her better, visit her blog; of Femininity and Daydreams. She'd absolutely love it if you popped over!

2 epistles:

  1. This is lovely and beautiful! Thank you for sharing!

  2. Gwen I love you!

    Your Best Friend

    Milisande :)


"Gracious words are like a honeycomb; sweetness to the soul and health to the body." —Proverbs 16:24

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